Jewish Families, Children, Divorce, Passover In Israel

Jewish holidays were meant to bring families together,
not separate them.

By Dr. Adam Stone
Israel News Agency

Jerusalem----April 20..... For Israel families affected by divorce, the Passover season can be a trying time of year.

Consider these three individuals both in Israel and in the US, who asked that their real names not be used. A divorced mother of two toddlers, Jennifer says the Passover seder does nothing to bring her children closer to their father, who lives across the US continent and has hardly seen his kids since the split. Jennifer herself has become Orthodox since the divorce two years ago, and so can no longer attend her parents' non-kosher seder. Ever since her marriage broke up, she says, the festival of freedom has been "a very sore point for all of us."

Last time Susan put together a seder in Israel, she tried bringing all the "steps" together: her mother and step-father, her father and step-mother, plus her husband's mother and step-father. It was, she says, "quite a scene" one for which, not she or her ex, created tension but her parents.

Jessica's parents divorced when she was seven years old. She remembers splitting Pesach between mom's English-language seder, stocked with non-Jewish guests, and dad's Orthodox affair, done all in Hebrew. She says she never felt at home in either setting.

Jewish holidays have a way of bringing family issues to the fore, and this goes double for Pesach, the quintessential family celebration in Israel and throughout the Jewish world. Passover celebrates freedom, after all, and "[i]t is the mark of freedom that one can have a family, enjoy a meal with its members, look out for it, and protect it. The ability to sit together as a family at the seder and sing a song of liberation is in itself the most powerful statement of being free," writes Rabbi Irving Greenberg in his landmark work, The Jewish Way--Living the Holidays (Summit, 1988).

When the family is divided, therefore, the pain can be acute, especially for children who feel torn between two homes.

How much is riding on the successful navigation of this annual Jewish family holiday gathering?
Maybe everything.

"When it is done well, the memories of childhood Passovers are what keep people connected to their heritage. If this becomes a highly stressed time, [that heritage] may become something one wants to avoid," cautioned Betty Dayron, associate executive director of Jewish Family and Community Service in Chicago. Jewish family counselors around the nation agree that while the shadow of divorce can blacken the seder table for years, there are practical measures families can take to minimize the stress. One easy solution is to let the divorce court decide what the holiday arrangements will be. "But judges in the States often are not Jewish, and don't have a clue about the significance of Jewish holidays," noted Joan Kristall, a clinical social worker with the Jewish Family Service of Baltimore. Thus it is up to families to find their own way--and that can be a tricky business.

Take the case of a remarriage, for instance. Parents sometimes assume that the presence of step-children will help their own offspring to overcome the pain of the break-up, but the very opposite is often the case, Kristall explains. "For children, a remarriage often kicks up an old loss," she said. "Parents think it is going to be like the Brady Bunch, but it doesn't work like that at all. Kids feel like they are losing the attention of the parent not only to another adult, but also to that person's children." How to overcome those feelings? Kristall encourages parents to make private time with their own children during the holiday, "so that the child does not get lost in the bigger picture." When her own step-son used to take part in her seders, for example, he and his father would always grate the fresh horseradish together. "That was their tradition, just the two of them, and it's something they still talk about today," Kristall said.

Experts say rituals like these are key to making Passover a time of joy in divided families. Parents may set the table with their children, they might share in the cooking, put together a Pesach puppet show or create an annual social action ritual that ties into the holiday themes of freedom to Israel and redemption.

"Rituals create security. In a family where there has been a divorce, that sense of consistency can be even more important," explained Debra Orbuch Grayson, a family and life educator at Jewish Family and Children's Service in Minneapolis. By creating new rituals, she said, families can begin to heal the wounds caused by a break-up.

"Divorce is about separation, but it is also about continuation. How do we continue to grow and learn and be Jewish as a family, even though we are a different family now? We do it, in part, through these kinds of ritual actions," she explained. Still, the experts acknowledge that every divorced parent walks a fine line: wanting to be fair to the other parent, while trying to protect his/her child, and minimize the hurt. It's a difficult balance, especially in cases where the "ex" has never really gone away. While splitting the holiday in two--one seder with mom and another with dad--seems to offer a tempting balance. In Israel only one seder is celebrated. In this case, many child psychologists suggest that they share this seder together. Studies have shown that when both parents are working together for their children, stress levels for both the children and parents are reduced.

Kristall, for example, worked with a child who used to celebrate a seder with each parent--only, mom was vastly more observant of Jewish ritual than was dad. "The child liked Pesach, she liked the Jewish holiday and she wanted to observe it in her mother's way. When she went to her dad, he did a kind of peripheral seder that was not very meaningful to her--it was just a big meal and afterwards everyone would just gather around the TV," Kristall said. "It was really something she dreaded."

So why not take the alternate approach--bring all the ex's and steps and assorted others together for one big meal?
Even in cases where the divorce has been very painful, this may be the best approach. "If people are divorcing, that means they are moving onto separate lives," Kristall explained. "But Pesach is also a time of joy and reflection for the entire family. Many divorced couples can look back at why they got married in the first place as they look at their happy children. Many couples, only after becoming totally separate, then may realize that there are no perfect marriages, they can and do reconcile. If Pesach can bring a family back together, it is worth every future minute and coming years for the children who desire one home."

As if things were not complicated enough, the tensions don't always end with the push and pull between ex-spouses as grandparents and other relatives who feel they have a right to be part of the family's holiday decision-making process create more tension. Should you let them have a say? That depends, says Betty Dayron. Grandparents' involvement, she explained, needs to flow naturally out of the overall family picture. "We at least want to know something about how involved they have been in the past. If Passover has been a big grandparent time, then we need to ask if that is still available as an option, and if it is desirable, will they encouage a family to unite or try to separate it," she said.

Dayron (associate executive director of Jewish Family and Community Service in Chicago) tends toward the big-picture approach when it comes to negotiating the treacherous terrain of holiday time. While every divorced family must wrangle out its own solution to the Passover dilemma, she said, those solutions always need to occur within the larger context of the family relationships. Once a divorce has occurred, children are given a new world view: this is where you live, this is when you see your dad, these are who your step-siblings are. Decisions about holiday celebrations--who goes where and when and why--"should fit in with the rest of the child's world in terms of what the parents have worked out. Likewise, with whatever solution you find, it's a good idea to make plans that are consistent and reliable, rather than re-doing them every year," she said.

Still, when all is said and done, even those who are supposed to know best often find they are helpless to keep a hold on how their Passover unfolds, once the dark whirlwind of divorce has struck.

Alan, a rabbi in the southwestern United States, got divorced in his mid-50s. While his step-children from his second marriage attend his seder every year, his own grown-up kids have been with him for only two seders in the past eight years. He gives them the choice each year, and they choose to be with their mother. It's a decision that hurts Alan pretty deeply. "I feel it is very important to have my family around me. To me Passover is a family holiday, and if my children are not around me, it is an empty feeling," he said. As a rabbi schooled in the pastoral arts, Alan knows what he would tell a member of his congregation who faced a similar situation, but he admits that knowledge has done precious little good in his own circumstance.

"A good solution would have been for the kids to get together and have a seder for all of us--that would have been fine with me, but not with my ex-wife," he said. "I would like to say that when the kids are together, or if it's a family function, give it up for a few hours and make nice. However, there are some people with whom that is impossible. My ex is one of them."

While the odds of success may seem daunting, divorced parents trying to create a sense of Passover joy can at the very least take refuge in the cyclical nature of Jewish life. As Dayron points out: "You get another shot at it next year."

In trying to plan Passover in the shadow of divorce here are a few ideas to consider. Step-kids are a blessing to you, sure, but also a possible source of conflict for your own children. Be sure to give your own children the extra attention they need at holiday time.

Added rituals outside the seder (time spent together in the kitchen, for example) can help make this a special time.

Jewish holidays were meant to bring families together, not separate them.

Be fair - your ex-spouse is still your child's parent, and ought to have a vote in Passover planning if at all possible. Try to unite over the holidays and let the children feel secure in having shared in Passover together. Communicate in planning the celebration, make sure kids, spouses, and all concerned know what to expect.

Relax - no one expects the seder to be perfect, especially with the added pressure of divorce to complicate the picture. Jewish holidays were meant to bring families together, not separate them. Reach out to your ex-spouse and bring the children together. You never know, this Passover might bring you and your former partner back into a healthy, close relationship either as a married couple or as good friends which can only benefit both you and most importantly, your children.

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