Ketubah Art - A Modern Jewish, Israel Perspective
By
Joel Leyden Jerusalem----April 10.....For thousands of years, the Ketubah has played a central role in Judaism. This ancient and historic document has traditionally outlined a husband's contractual obligation towards his wife, including clothing and conjugal rights. Ketubah, ( spelled ketuba, kettubah, katuba, katubah, and in the plural, ketubot, ketubbot and ketubahs) literally means "it is written." It is said that the ketubah, or Jewish marriage contract, is a legal document originally formulated to protect a Jewish bride from financial hardship in the event of divorce or her husband's death. Because it specifies the groom's financial obligations to the bride, the ketubah made divorce a costly option thereby strengthening the Jewish family. But has it? "I realize that marriages sometimes break up and, in those circumstances, would not oppose the divorce process," said an Israel Ketubah artist, a leading and respected manufacturer of creative, artistic Ketubahs. "But personally, within limits, I think that divorce should be avoided as the trauma for children is dreadful and often irreversible." With the Jewish divorce rate hovering around fifty percent, the Ketubah Jewish wedding contract appears to be little more and nothing less than a colorful piece of paper. The Rabbincal courts are doing very little to see that the Ketubah is enforced and Shalom Biet has become nothing more than a money making machine for the Beit Dein (Jewish religious court). Shalom biet is an ancient Jewish tradition which means "peace in the home." It comes from the physical peace which surrounded Israel's first temple in Jerusalem. Peace which came from respect for all that is holy. The Israel, Jewish home and family are actually structured after this sacred pillar of ancient Judaism. Shalom biet requests the disputing couple to be interviewed by a team of Rabbis and then asked to go for marriage counseling. It is a last ditch effort to save a Jewish family from destruction. For an increasing number of parents in Israel who have signed a Ketubah, being in an unhappy marriage is not a sufficient reason to untie the knot. Here's some reasons why. Over the past three years, Julie, an entrepreneur who owns a plastics factory and the mother of a 8-year-old girl in Israel, has become increasingly unhappy in her marriage. "If it weren't for my child, I'd be out of here in a minute," she says. "My husband and I have nothing else in common. He's a good dad, but is that enough? We got married and signed the Ketubah, but what does that mean?" Judging from recent data, the answer is a resounding no. According to the US National Center for Health Statistics, in Hyattsville, Maryland, over a million children per year watch their parents split up in the US and in Israel and one out of four families in Israel separate. To those adults, divorce is a kind of universal right - a serious but reasonable step in the pursuit of happiness. Yet Julie, for all her discontent, takes a different view. "When I look at my divorced friends," she says, "they seem to be no better off than I am. Their kids are all having a rough time, and they have huge financial pressures. And nobody's found the perfect partner." Cara, an attorney in Israel whose parents divorced when she was 10, says there is no circumstance, other than violent abuse, that would impel her to leave her husband. "We went into counseling in Ra'anana after I discovered he was having an affair, but I've never truly forgiven him," Cara says. "Yet I'd never subject my kids to what I went through - a weekend daddy, fights about money, and a parade of guys in and out of my mom's life. I'm sticking it out - for their sake." Staying married and observing the writings of the Ketubah "for the kids' sake" may sound like a throwback to the 1950s, but Julie and Cara are approaching the problem from a distinctly modern perspective. In contrast to their grandmothers, most women today don't need a man as a meal ticket. And unlike their mothers, many were children of divorce themselves. "I divide my childhood into two periods -- B.D. (meaning before divorce) and A.D. (after divorce)," says Arlene, a working mom in a disappointing marriage. "My only happy memories are B.D. And most adults I know whose parents got divorced feel the same way." Modern research supports her position. In The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (Hyperion, 2000), coauthor Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., challenges two standard assumptions: first, that divorce gets easier for kids to handle over time; and second, that when parents are happier, their children are too. To the contrary, Dr. Wallerstein's research found that kids whose parents stayed together in Israel despite problems (and remained effective parents) recalled happier childhoods than those whose parents separated, and later had less anxiety forming their own adult relationships. Furthermore, those whose parents split were significantly more likely to divorce as adults than those from intact families, and were less likely to marry at all. Children of divorce whose parents ignored the writings of the Ketubah and the basic tenets of Shalom Biet were also less likely to go to college (largely because child support ends at 18 in most states) or -- if they did enroll -- to graduate. And as adolescents, they were more susceptible to drug and alcohol abuse and early sexual experimentation. Children are not the only beneficiaries when parents uphold the Ketubah for the sake of their kids as they seek marriage counseling, says University of Chicago sociologist Linda J. Waite, Ph.D., coauthor of The Case for Marriage (Doubleday, 2000). "In our research, 86 percent of the spouses who said they were 'very unhappy' but were staying in their marriage anyway reported five years later that they were not unhappy at all." Dr. Waite believes that although the early years of child rearing and career building put enormous strain on a marriage, couples who manage to withstand these stresses develop a bond powerful enough to endure other challenges. There are times, of course, when divorce is the only option - if, for example, there is violence, alcohol or drug abuse that prevents parents from nurturing their children. But interestingly, reports Alan Booth, Ph.D., a professor of sociology and human development at Pennsylvania State University, in University Park, only about 40 percent of divorces involve these "high-conflict" situations. "The other 60 percent of couples say they're just not as happy as they would like to be," he says. "And oddly enough, when their marriages end, the children have a much more difficult time than the children in high-conflict cases. These kids are devastated because they just don't see serious problems. From their perspective, everything is fine until the bottom suddenly falls out." Dr. Booth believes that children benefit enormously when their parents manage to keep both the Ketubah and Jewish marriage intact. According to Howard Markman, Ph.D., codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and coauthor of Fighting for Your Marriage (Jossey-Bass, 2001), our expectations are formed by our families, by prior relationships, and by cultural influences such as television and movies. Observant Jewish couples who signed the Ketubah, who have taken their wedding vows seriously and have sought out Shalom Biet have provided a very stable and responsible environment for their children. "Our research found enormous variations in marital style among couples with high marital satisfaction," Dr. Booth observes. "In some cases, the marriage was the center of a couple's life; in others, it was peripheral. But invariably, satisfaction corresponded to whether one's expectations were being met." Don't romanticize divorce. Some couples do manage to have what Dr. Wallerstein calls a "cooperative divorce," in which they treat each other kindly and focus on the children's emotional needs together. But they're rare: According to Dr. Booth's research, couples who are unable to make a go of their marriage seldom muster the necessary resources to cooperate after divorce. More commonly, he says, the unhappiness people felt in their marriage is replaced by the unhappiness of divorce and single parenting. In addition, many imagine that being single again means carefree dating and increased socializing -- only to discover that being single with small children changes everything. For most people, the reality of divorce, the destruction of the Ketubah and walking away from Shalom Biet includes a decreased standard of living and heightened conflict, particularly regarding such issues as money, custody, holidays, and household rules. As for the prospect of a blissful new union? That, too, may be unlikely: Second marriages have an even higher failure rate than first marriages (60 percent versus 50 percent). Staying together for the children's sake may sound like a recipe for resentment, but it need not be that way. In Julie's case, disappointment in her marriage is balanced by the satisfaction she gets from parenting. "My husband and I both love being with the kids." she says. "We truly enjoy sitting together at a school show or a parent-teacher conference. It's hard to feel like a martyr when you have those positive feelings." When both parents are invested in their children, they build what Dr. Wallerstein calls the "invisible structure" of parenting. "Even a sexually estranged couple can spend time together discussing child-related issues - who the kids play with, what they eat, how they're doing in school. What keeps these parents from feeling bitter is the pleasure they derive from raising their children." As economic stress takes its toll on Israel's economy, it takes a far greater toll on Israel's families. Economic stress is the number one factor which leads to conflict, depression, separation and divorce. The breaking up of families, children going into regression, custody and child support battles become paramount. The only winners in Israel are the lawyers, the courts, the collection agencies, the social workers and psychologists. The last victim of financial stress and even poverty is the Ketubah, which is symbolically torn and thrown to the wind.The beautiful, creative substance and art of the Ketubah is eventually destroyed as couples defy and forget their wedding vows. I know of two Anglo Saxon friends in Israel who have recently divorced. The husband is an international patent attorney from New York who has been underemployed since Arafat's children started throwing rocks. His wife, owns a small factory north of Tel Aviv, and hails from London, England. They have everything in common. A good looking, intelligent couple who share a very young child. Dedicated Zionists, who signed the Ketubah, who speak the same language, come from upper-middle class environments and are the first to feed a stray cat. Instead of placing their energies in securing more work they are now at each other's throats over child custody and child support. The husband, who is an officer in the Israel Defense Forces reserves is aiming at his wife rather than the real bad guys who believe in Islamic Jihad (holy war).Yes, they have all so much in common including the dreadful effects of economic terrorism. This couple is one of thousands of Israel's who are buckling and caving into the ultimate victory for the Arabs and Palestinians. Fortunately, most Israelis are too poor to enter into the economic luxury of a divorce. Only those elite from Ra'anana, Kfar Sava, Herzliya, Ramat Aviv, Carmel and Savyon can pay thousands of dollars to advocates to destroy their Ketubah vows. But almost every Israel family is suffering. The brutal effects of unemployment reach every household, parent and child in Israel. If you tear apart the very essence of Israeli society, if you then destroy the Israeli family without a bullet or Scud, then you are succeeding in destroying the Israeli nation. Whether through divorce or families fleeing back to the UK or the States to secure work, its a win for those who seek Israel's annihilation. And this is where Jewish values must now kick in. Can the United Jewish Communities, HIAS or the ADL save these Israeli marriages? No. But now the Jewish courts can prove their worth to the Israeli nation by implementing "shalom biet" and avoid having to refer to the Ketubah. In Israel, joint custody is only possible if both parties agree to it. If the mother does not agree, it is assumed by family courts in Israel that the mother is the better parent and the father loses custody of his children without due process. The father, if he wishes to secure full or partial custody, must then go to trial and do so coming to family court on the defensive. Israeli courts fall far behind American justice whereby they still measure a child's welfare by the "tender years" doctrine, usually giving automatic custody to the mother, while waiting for the child to turn 6-years-old before considering the fathers role. This is in stark contrast to US courts which today implement "best-interests-of-the-child" the standard used by family courts in the US, preferring joint custody and or "shared parenting". Rachel, a religious woman living in Ra'anana said: "If each side really loves and respects the other one, compromises can be worked out. Judaism wants shalom biet but it takes two to compromise. As well as two to argue. There is no such thing as a one sided marriage." The Beit Din, our Rabbis and the Jewish community are doing very little to discourage divorce." She added: "The late Mashgiach of Rehovot Rav Yona Sheba told me in the beginning of his marriage he used to get angry if his wife spent too much. Afterwards, he learned that it was not worth it. He would give her his opinion about something and then say here is a blank check with my signature on it. Do what you feel is right. He was married over 55 years at the time he told me that." For over 2000 years, the ketubah was among the first documents conferring legal status to a Jewish marriage. Some people are surprised to learn that the traditional ketuba is not a romantic document about the love between man and woman or the establishment of a Jewish home and future family. What the art of the katubah does include is the date and place of the marriage, the names of the bride and groom (and their father's names) and the bridal price (two hundred silver zuzim). The Ketubah then enumerates the trousseau brought to the marriage by the woman which the groom agrees to match as the additional sum. The groom agrees that "all my property, real and personal, even the shirt from my back, shall be mortgaged to secure the payment of this marriage contract, of the trousseau, and the addition made to it, during my lifetime and after my death…". The signatures of two non-related witnesses validate the Jewish marriage contract. The traditional ketubah formula, written in Aramaic, not Hebrew, is still used today (and is the only one legally recognized in Israel). But there are also many other ketubah texts. The Jewish Conservative movement makes the Ketubah more mutual and contains a clause whereby the groom agrees to obtain a get (divorce decree) so that the bride may remarry in a Jewish wedding ceremony. There are also numerous egalitarian ketubah texts used by the Reform movement, as well as Reconstructionist, and Sephardic ketubah texts, kettubah texts for interfaith marriages, commitment ceremonies and commemorative anniversary ketubot. Throughout the history of the katuba, Jewish artists have been influenced by their particular time and the art traditions of the country in which they worked which makes the ketuba one of the most visually vibrant aspects of Jewish wedding customs. A customized ketubah, which are designed for each unique couple, draw on that incredibly rich kettubah history as well as on contemporary art and design. A ketubah is often the first piece of art that a couple buys; a symbol of the life they will live together and an heirloom to pass down to generations to come. But with the Jewish divorce rate hovering at over fifty percent it appears that the Katubah and it's colorful and creative art will end up destroyed by the Jewish Biet Din. The Ketubah has much in common with prenuptial agreements, which are gaining popularity in the West. Such agreements were historically disfavored, because it was believed that planning for divorce would encourage divorce, and that people who considered the possibility of divorce should not be marrying. Although one rabbi in the Talmud expresses a similar opinion, the majority maintained that a Ketubah discouraged divorce, by serving as a constant reminder of the husband's substantial financial obligations if he divorced his wife. The ketubah is often a beautiful work of art - calligraphy, framed and displayed in the home. References to the Ketubah obligations can be found in Exodus although no mention is made of a document. The Apocrypha, however, contains mention of a scroll that was brought to the marriage ceremony of Tobias and Sarah, an early form of the Ketubah. During the Babylonian Exile, 586-536 B.C.E., the need arose to protect women regarding property that was held in her husband's name. Many men migrated to Egypt and left wives and families behind. The Babylonian predilection for written legal contracts was a firm basis for the start of the Ketubah and its creative art. Papyrus records dating from around 440 B.C.E. in Aramaic (a later form of Hebrew) clearly outline the principle of securing the wife's property. Included in this document is the sum of the bridal price paid to the father of the bride, as well as the sum of the bride and bridegroom's dower contribution. In addition, the wife is named as the beneficiary of the estate should the husband die. Nearly four hundred year later, the ketubah introduced a price that would be paid by the husband to the bride on the death or dissolution of the marriage. The Ketubah became a contract written by the groom and was presented to the bride. The earliest actual ketubah formula is set down in the Talmud and exists today in the Orthodox text. The practice of illuminating manuscripts and of decorating ritual objects goes back many thousands of years. The concept of Hiddur Mitzvah, or the beautification of a mitzvah, has led to the creation of legacy of Jewish ritual art objects. Richly decorated Ketubot can be found in the great museums of the world from Persia, Italy, Turkey and even the United States. The design of a ketubah would often reflect the style of the times, and could include symbols of the country such as flags or crowns. Jewish symbols were also prevalent - the lions of Judah can often be seen in historical Ketubot as well as Hebrew calligraphy in stylized forms. Modern Ketubah texts have followed social convention in creating equality between Bride and Groom in terms the exchange of vows. Some texts duplicate the wording for each spouse and others simply leave out all monetary consideration. Some rabbis allow the couple to add to the text or to devise their own texts. This practice keeps with a tradition in which a Ketubah would include family history, achievement and lineage as part of the design. In general, as all Jewish ritual has evolved to suit the times, so too has the Ketubah evolved in text and design. The practice of commissioning custom Ketubot came into vogue in the 1960's along with a general interest in rediscovering Judaism. Many parents who had printed Ketuboth from the Rabbi would shop with sons or daughters for highly priced original works of art. Soon a vast number of prints, some in limited editions, began to appear, making the choice of a Ketubah a daunting task. Wholly original works remained expensive, and prints lacked the quality of originals that make for a beautiful Ketubah. Halakha (Jewish law) allows for divorce. The document of divorce is termed a Get. The final divorce ceremony involves the husband giving the get document into the hand of the wife or her agent, but the wife may sue in rabbinical court to initiate the divorce. If a man refuses to grant his wife a divorce, she assumes the status of an agunah (literally, "chained" or "anchored" wife); she is unable to remarry religiously until the divorce is granted. A similar but rarer situation, in which the wife refuses to accept a get, similarly prevents the husband from remarrying, but there are some subtle differences between these scenarios. "By ancient Jewish law the Ketubah is supposed to be torn up and destroyed," says one Ketubah artist. "But for the sake of record keeping today, the Ketubah is symbolically cut on one corner and filed away in the Beit Din, unless one of the divorcing parties wants it. It's a real and tragic shame for thousands of children that their divorced parents never took the time to study their marriage vows, to read the Ketubah and place communication skills, Jewish family values and the welfare of their children over unrealistic dreams of "fresh starts" and perfect partners waiting to meet them as soon as they walk out of the Beit Din."
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