Fathers, Children in Passover Israel: Why Is This Night Different

Israel News Agency Staff Member

Jerusalem----April 22, 2005 .... I cannot say Hag Semach - happy holiday - for their is no happiness in Israel for thousands of separated, divorced dads and their children this Passover evening.

For this evening, millions of Jewish families in Israel will sit down at a dining table and celebrate the freedom of Passover. When the Jews made their exodus as slaves from Egypt and came to the land of milk and honey - and freedom in Israel. But there is little freedom for thousands of divorced, loving, caring and responsible Israeli dads tonight who will be forced to be separated from their children.

Their children will sit down and read from the Passover Hagada. They will learn what it is to be Jewish. These children will see family members smiling and drinking wine. Talking and making jokes as they pass the chicken, roast beef and matza. But for these children, it will be an evening of bitter herbs.

For as they look around the family table, their father will not be there.

What will these children think?

If they are very young, such as my four-year-old son, they may think that I don't want to be with them. That Passover is not an important family holiday. That they are not important. And this is where they begin to lose self-esteem as millions of divorced children suffer from. If the child is older, they could resent the mother for keeping them away from their father, for creating two homes, for creating confusion, anxiety and depression for them today and for many years to come. For no child should ever be separated from their mother or their father.

This is not freedom. This is not Judaism.

Judaism teaches us "shalom biet" - peace at home, which is the most sacred principle of Judaism coming from the peace which surrounded our first temple in Jerusalem. Passover is a holiday. A family holiday. How can we dare to call it a "family holiday" when thousands of Jewish fathers in Israel are separated from their children on this night - of all nights?

The Israel Fathers Family Rights Association, an Israel civil rights group campaigning to establish equal parenting status for both parents in child custody proceedings, has begun to organize protest demonstrations at the Kfar Sava, Rishon and other Family Courthouses throughout Israel. The Israel Fathers Rights Association is an evolutionary, dynamic international movement with specific objectives and targets needed to achieve for the critical needs of children and their families. The child's best interest principle addresses that the child's best interest was most served by children maintaining a loving, meaningful relationship with both parents. But these protests still leave me and my child separated on Passover this evening.

Many say: "It is child abuse on a national level not to allow a child to see his father for no rational reason other than gender bias." Hundreds of Israel children a day are torn away from loving caring dads, let alone the social implications, unwanted teenage pregnancies, teenage crime, drug abuse, the list is endless, is it no wonder we have so many problems within Israel schools? All this and more are major contributing negative factors to the great many problems we have in Israel society. The governments, local welfare departments and family courts incompetence and lack of interest to put this right is devastating to our children." Ra'anana and Kfar Sava are suburban cities north of Tel Aviv which suffer the highest divorce rate in Israel.

The Mayor of Ra'anana, Israel was contacted for comment regarding what role he has personally taken regarding his welfare's department (revacha) abiding by the Tender Years Doctrine. Mayor Zeev Bielski has refused all comment.

We divorced fathers living in Israel ask: "Is it in the child's best interests to deny them the love of their parents? Is it in the child's best interests that their parents are forced onto benefits or effectively asset stripped fighting protracted legal battles when they have no hope of seeing their children because Judges in Israel refuse to enforce their own orders? Often the very people who proclaim to be acting in the child's best interest are those who profit the most. Money (often savings, salaries, equity in property) for your children quickly becomes an income stream for Israel advocates, judges, and a grotesque gravy train of other 'experts'. Outcomes for children have never been worse."

Present Israel law, which has been influenced by Jewish law, states that unless the mother is violent, a drug abuser or extremely negligent, custody is automatically awarded to the mother up to the age of six.
This is what was referred to as the "Tender Years Doctrine." This doctrine was outlawed in most Western countries due to its blatant civil rights discrimination based on the gender of the parent and not the best interest of the parent.

Today, the world's largest and most respected body of child psychologists working within the American Psychological Association have stated that children from divorced families who either live with both parents at different times or spend certain amounts of time with each parent are better adjusted in most cases than children who live and interact with just one parent. This is based on new research on custody arrangements and children's adjustment.

Children in joint custody arrangements had less behavior and emotional problems, had higher self-esteem, better family relations and school performance than children in sole custody arrangements. And these children were as well-adjusted as intact family children on the same measures, states the American Psychological Association, "probably because joint custody provides the child with an opportunity to have ongoing contact with both parents." These findings indicate to every Knesset member, every mayor in Israel, every social worker, child psychologist and family court judge in Israel that children do not actually need to be in a joint physical custody to show better adjustment but just need to spend substantial time with both parents, especially with their fathers, said the APA.

Also, joint custody couples reported less conflict, possibly because both parents could participate in their children's lives equally and not spend the time arguing over childcare decisions. Unfortunately a perception exists that joint custody is more harmful because it exposes children to ongoing parental conflict. In fact, the studies in this review found that sole-custody parents reported higher levels of conflict, the APA states. We are watching our children suffer from the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) which is a medical and legal term describing what many children suffer from resulting from a court's reinforcement of the systematic denigration by one parent by the other with the intent of alienating the child against the other parent.

The purpose of the alienation is usually to gain or retain custody without the involvement of the father. The alienation usually extends to the father's family and friends as well. Dr. Richard Gardner in his book 'The Parental Alienation Syndrome' states "Many of these children proudly state that their decision to reject their fathers is their own. They deny any contribution from their mothers. And the mothers often support this vehemently. In fact, the mothers will often state that they want the child to visit with the father and recognize the importance of such involvement, yet such a mother's every act indicates otherwise. Such children appreciate that, by stating the decision is their own, they assuage mothers guilt and protect her from criticism. Such professions of independent thinking are supported by the mother who will often praise these children for being the kind of people who have minds of their own and are forthright and brave enough to express overtly their opinions.

Frequently, such mothers will exhort their children to tell them the truth regarding whether or not they really want to see their fathers. The child will usually appreciate that "the truth" is the profession that they hate the father and do not want to see him ever again. They thereby provide that answer - couched as "the truth" - which will protect them from their mother's anger if they were to state what they really wanted to do, which is to see their fathers. It is important for the reader to appreciate that after a period of programming the child may not know what is the truth any more and come to actually believe that the father deserves the vilification being directed against him. The end point of the brainwashing process has then been achieved.

Recently, The Israel Ministry of Health and the Israel Ministry of Justice have been taking a hard, serious look at the benefits of joint custody in the Jewish state. Joint custody might very well be the best option for children of separation and divorce, an American family psychology study found. Trekking from Mom's home during the week to Dad's on the weekend may seem like a hassle for some children of divorced parents, but it just might be best for them in the long run, concludes a meta-analysis, published in the March Journal of Family Psychology (Vol. 16, No. 1).

The study finds that children from divorced families are better adjusted when they live with both parents at different homes or spend significant time with both parents compared with children who interact with only one parent. Robert Bauserman, PhD, of the Baltimore Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, reviewed 33 studies that examined 1,846 sole-custody and 814 joint-custody children. Both groups of children were compared with a sample of 251 kids in intact families. Bauserman found that children in joint-custody arrangements had fewer behavioral and emotional problems, higher self-esteem and better family relationships and school performance compared with those in sole-custody situations. And he found no significant difference in adjustment among children in shared custody and those living in intact family situations.

Joint-custody children probably fare better, according to Bauserman, because they have ongoing contact with both parents. The contact with both parents, he argues, is the key ingredient in kids' adjustment, he said. The findings indicate that children don't necessarily need to be in joint physical custody to show better adjustment, they just need to spend substantial time with both parents. Also, according to the research, couples with joint-custody agreements tend to experience less conflict -- which speaks to the concern that joint custody is harmful to kids because it exposes them to ongoing parental strife. In fact, Bauserman notes, "it was the sole-custody parents who reported higher levels of current conflict." He found that some research shows that joint custody may actually reduce parental conflict over time. Obviously, joint custody isn't always preferable to sole custody. When one parent is abusive or neglectful sole custody could be the best option for the children, Bauserman says.

The Israel Association for Father's Rights supports the above study as well as other human rights groups based in Israel. The Israel Association for Father's Rights (IAFR) represents over 80,000 members, a large and professional staff of social workers and family attorneys. The IAFR, which is based in Tel Aviv, works closely with the Israel Ministry of Health, the Israel Ministry of Justice and the Association for Civil Rights in Israel. Highly visible protests by both the Israel Fathers Rights Association and Fathers 4 Justice (F4J) are now being planned at family court houses in Israel as of the beginning of March, a spokesman stated. The Israel Association for Father's Rights has been at the legal and ethical forefront fighting against parental abuse by mothers, the legal and callous use of children as pawns in divorce cases, abusive child support (mezonote) decisions, false claims of sexual harassment and the basic human right of full and joint custody for fathers.

Another Israel civil rights groups supporting the fathers rights demonstration this Sunday, Horut Shava, (Hebrew for Equal Parenting) states: "We at Horut Shava believes that only through the caring and cooperation of both parents can children survive the difficulties that arise in divorce situations, and live their lives in the best possible way after the divorce." "We support parents in Israel who have the best interests of their children in mind, and who understand the importance of participation by both parents in the children's lives," said a Israel fathers rights leader on the eve of Passover.

"Unfortunately, many custodial parents see no value in the presence of the other parent (often fathers) in their children's lives, and some actively work to sabotage any involvement. This psychological warfare is a form of child abuse that frequently causes serious and permanent harm to children. We actively oppose those who engage in this kind of child-harming behavior."

I thank the Jerusalem Post (and many other Israel media) for dedicating three full pages in its Friday Magazine for making it a "relevant" issue for our tiny nation to realize and to challenge.

I pray that with the good and sincere help of Israel Knesset members that we, the divorced dads who are prevented from being with our children tonight, will be with our children next year at this time. We will be meeting with members of Knesset in Jerusalem after Pesach and from what we now understand, through their honest support and wisdom many basic reforms in child and family law will soon be taking place in Ra'anana and throughout Israel.

But until those new family Israel laws are implemented - tonight on Passover when you hear the youngest child ask: "why is this night different from all other nights?" look around the dinner table. If you see an empty chair which used to be reserved for that child's mom or dad - then you have the answer.

"That on this night, you will suffer as on other nights, that you are forced to be separated painfully from your natural and loving parents."

I love my children and they cherish me. There is no excuse for this form of slavery in Israel on Passover this night - or on any other night.

Kiss and hug your children on this evening of family. Smile, share the food and song.
Tell them the story of Passover.
I can't.