By Dr. Batya L. Ludman
Israel News Agency

Jerusalem----May 9.... The countdown is on.

While some in Israel feel it is inevitable and others feel that Israel's disengagement from Gaza will not happen, everyone would agree that children living in the areas to be evacuated will, like their parents, be greatly impacted.

At this time, while one cannot predict just what will happen, if we assume that Israel's evacuation will go ahead as planned, we must anticipate some of the issues and trauma that Jewish families will be faced with both in the short term and in the future. The past half decade has indeed been a very difficult for many children in Israel and while we often speak of their resilience, children indeed have learned that many things they once took for granted, are no longer certain.

Terrorism in Israel and abroad has taken its toll on each and every one of us and it is a rare individual who has not had someone close to him or her injured or murdered. Now as the possibility of civil war in Israel looms ahead and thousands are being asked to leave their homes in Gaza and take up residence elsewhere in Israel, we must make sure that we continue to address the needs of our children as they face the future with great uncertainty. We owe it to our future generation to help as best as we can to enable them to cope and move forward with minimal psychological damage.

For many families in Israel, disengagement is not yet a reality as by fighting for their very existence, the “future” beyond disengagement is not within their immediate reality. Their focus instead is one of fighting desperately to hold on to their property, their livelihoods and the life they have built for themselves and their family over the past decades.

As is much the case when a pregnant couple prepare for the birth of their first child, much of the focus is on the delivery and not the 20 years after the child is born. Disengagement will not only impact the day or week that a family may be evacuated, but can have long term traumatic consequences and implications for each person displaced as well as for those in the rest of the country.

Most children go through life with their basic needs being looked after. As such, they barely give it a second thought. When food, shelter and other necessities become questionable, children cannot help but feel in some way less secure. When a parent’s work routine is interrupted, when home is no longer home and when one’s familiar environment is taken away or replaced, children often feel anxious. Anxiety may lead to helplessness, hopelessness and a sense of depression. This depression may be severe and for some may result in suicide.

When all that is familiar in life seems to be taken away or become inconsequential, for some, things may no longer matter. Anxiety results in stressing the individual, the family unit and one’s larger community. It is important to recognize this early on. While some stress will be natural and expected, when it becomes extreme or lasts for too long, one must be watchful and ready to step in. Parents, friends, psychologists and social workers must know and be aware of these critical factors.

While many parents in Israel will be dealing with their own issues of loss, we as a broader community must be responsive to the children and help them cope. How are our children doing? Depending on their age and emotional development, proximity to actual disengagement-both time wise and location, the answers may vary.

You as a parent, in spite of all that you are personally going through are the best one to assess your child's current level of stress and the appropriateness of the strategies that they use to cope in the situation. For example, Avital at age 8 is off playing most of the day and seems happy but you notice an increased irritability and impatience between the two of you around dinnertime. Is it that she or you are tired, that she wants your undivided attention now or is something troubling her? What about her 10-year-old brother Daniel who is having trouble concentrating in school, is acting out, seems quiet and withdrawn one minute and is off "acting stupid" the next? Then there is 15-year-old Sarah who is off in her room writing poetry. Some of it is quite intense and scary. Her twin brother, Shai, is extremely angry, has skipped school and has been in trouble far too many times in the past 3 months.

While all of the above scenarios may be completely normal and age appropriate, they may also indicate that your child is struggling to understand and cope with the current situation. Adults, while feeling quite helpless themselves may see their children trying to cope and make sense out of the situation while nonetheless, being greatly affected and confused.

Here are some general guidelines to help your children cope as Israel emerges from Gaza, questions are asked, families relocated to the Negev and to the North. Remember, no one knows your child and his/her particular situation better than you do.

Talk to and with your children. Children need to feel that they can voice their concerns and that you as a parent will help them. For younger children, it may be to simply state that not knowing where they will sleep may be scary, but you will make sure that they will be fine. For older children, the feeling of abandonment by the rest of the country, a feeling of loss or simply a desire to fight for “what is theirs” may assume greater importance.

Discussions about the nature of the Israel Palestine Gaza disengagement, the Israel Defense Forces, the police, possible riots, Jew going at Jew, the role of Jewish children in the evacuation, concerns about what will eventually happen and such basic answers to questions about where and when will they will live, sleep, eat or take their Bagrut school examinations all need to be dealt with at a time when you yourself have so few answers.

What will become of the Jewish homes in Gaza and all that they leave behind and how can you give them as much control as possible when things around you may seem so uncertain? For those children involved in political protests, Likud, Labor, Religious or Shinui and filled with idealism, what does life now hold in store?

What happens to their values and how can you help your child feel good and not feel like he lost when in his mind, his dreams are shattered?

Focus on the needs of each particular child and remember that children cope very differently than adults.
They may be more or less focused or concerned on a continual basis with the disengagement. They may hear some distressing news, go off to play and come back later to ask a series of questions. In the middle of playing, a young child may act out what he just saw. Children too, need to be told that it is perfectly normal to cry or feel unhappy, when they are distressed.

We must make sure that we continue to treat our children as children and not parentify them - some things are outside their comprehension and the decisions are adult ones that should not include their input. You may find that you need that quiet walk/talk with your preteen or the donut and discussion with your adolescent.

Sometimes that extra 5 minutes cuddling at bedtime with your child will give your child that time to share feelings and concerns that will otherwise keep him up all night.

Provide accurate, honest, truthful, and age appropriate information about Israel, Gaza, religion, land, terrorism and peace. This will enable children to better understand and work through their fears and concerns. Words need to be chosen carefully so that we are clear in the information we provide and so that children understand what we really said.

Ask your child to explain something in their own words about what you said or to give you their sense in understanding the problem. This way you can ensure that any inaccuracies are cleared up. Often we think that we are doing our children a favor by shielding them or protecting them from access to information. Children do need information. It is up to us as adults to make sure that the explanations are simple and straightforward and that we have included them in our basic discussions. Don't get bogged down with unnecessary details, as it will not help anyone. Because children are very much more aware of situations than we give them credit, it is essential to validate their feelings and not merely assume that they are either oblivious or unaffected. Children learn best to deal with situations when they are taught by those people whom they love, trust and feel close.

Reassure your children that you are going to do everything within your power to ensure their safety. Young children need to know that you will be there for them and if not you, then someone who you designate as a warm, loving and trusting person will help them if and when there is an evacuation and afterwards as needed. They need to know who will look after their basic needs-make that sandwich for lunch and be there to pick them up. They need to know where they will be and with whom and for how long. They need to know that you care and are doing your best and that you may not have many if any of the answers. Ambiguity is hard for all but they need to know that you are looking after their needs and will keep them as safe as possible in their new environment. Make sure children have your phone numbers and those of others who can be available to help and that you are accessible.

Try and stick to predictable routines during these unpredictable times in Israel. Almost all children feel the importance of routine, structure and ritual. As much as possible, the more familiar the routines, the better a child can cope. While some Jewish families may be displaced temporarily or permanently, as much as possible, things should be kept the same. This is especially true for younger children (and the elderly) who may become confused when things are not familiar.

Children like routine and structure and a desire for sameness. The house will be different, the school will be unfamiliar and the old neighborhood will be gone. We all like to be able to plan and predict. Kids who once knew what to expect and could anticipate events may not be able to until things in some way settle down.

Continue to keep to a schedule as best as you can that approximates the schedule that you had before you moved. Make play dates with friends and allow children as much freedom as you are comfortable with. Follow through on household rules and daily activities. This includes providing discipline along the way as necessary. Be careful what message you give if you change the rules in midstream without a very good reason. Rules and routine will help your child to feel more secure when the rest of his world may feel out of control and unstable.

Take time out from all of the stress. It will always be there on some level the next hour or day. Get distracted and allow a little fun into your lives. Everyone needs a break. Limit access to television, cable and Internet news and be aware of what your children are being exposed to through the media. Some children are more sensitive than others. Rent a movie for the entire family to watch together, play a board game or, even try and do some cooking together as a family if possible. If you find that you are caught up in the situation at hand, find someone who can be there for your children and can distract them at times when you are unavailable.

How do I know if my child is experiencing problems that are beyond the usual age related issues. If your child is experiencing any of the following problems for longer than you are comfortable, by all means seek professional guidance: Developmental regression is younger behavior than considered appropriate such as wetting or soiling oneself, temper tantrums, sleep or eating problems. Depressive symptoms such as sleep problems, is your child waking more often at night, having more trouble getting to sleep, getting up early or spending far more time in bed than previously?

Eating problems, is eating becoming a constant pastime or does your child have no appetite or interest in food? Decreased interest in his environment. Does he no longer want to hang out with his friends or only want to stay at home? Does she no longer want to be at home? Is he having difficulty in concentrating, focusing, paying attention or remembering important details? Does his life seem mundane and not worth living? Increased sadness - Is he or she sad, quiet, teary or unhappy? Has he spoken of not wanting to go on or is he making plans to get rid of his possessions? Inability to let go of information? Is your child obsessed with the day-to-day details of the Israel disengagement from Gaza in a way that is unhealthy? Physical or somatic complaints - Is you child having physical complaints? Is your child complaining of headaches, stomach aches?

Has your child's behavior changed? Is he afraid to leave your side? Has he become hyperactive, irritable, angry, agitated, hypervigilent, violent or indifferent? Is she trying too hard to please you? Are they acting too grown up? It is important to watch for changes in your child’s behavior over time. If, please G-d, things settle down in your life, can you see your child's behavior returning to normal? At times, because you yourself may be so busy or dealing with your own issues, it is easy to lose sight of your child’s needs.

You may find that outside help from family or even professional guidance and therapy is critical in these very difficult times. A child psychologist or social worker is not far away.

Remember, all of your child's other experiences will have an impact on how well he copes with the current situation in Israel. When changes are unexpected, violent or complex, coping becomes all the more tenuous for each and every one of us. We are all children or grown up children. If you feel that you or your child is not coping well, by all means seek professional support and advice now. This may be one of the most stressful times you will ever experience. There are losses on many levels and your grief may be far more complex than you could ever have imagined for yourself or your child. Now is a time of much needed kindness. I wish for you and your loved ones much peace and a way to make sense of all this at a later point in time.

Dr. Batya L. Ludman is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra'anana. She works with children of all ages and their families as well as adults and couples in counseling. Her Website is: http://go.to/drbatyaludman.

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