Family Day in Israel: Fathers Say No To Divorce
By
Karen Levine
With Israel News Agency Staff
Jerusalem----February 18......For an increasing number of parents in Israel, being in an unhappy marriage is not a sufficient reason to untie the knot. Here, why it may be worth it to hang in there. Over the past three years, Brenda, a graphic artist and mother of two in Israel, has become increasingly unhappy in her marriage. "If it weren't for the kids, I'd be out of here in a minute," she says. "My husband and I have nothing else in common. He's a good dad, but is that enough?"
Judging from recent data, the answer is a resounding no. According to the US National Center for Health Statistics, in Hyattsville, Maryland, at least a million children per year watch their parents split upin the US and one out of four families in Israel separate. To those adults, divorce is a kind of universal right -- a serious but reasonable step in the pursuit of happiness. Yet Brenda, for all her discontent, takes a different view. "When I look at my divorced friends," she says, "they seem to be no better off than I am. Their kids are all having a rough time, and they have huge financial pressures. And nobody's found the perfect partner."
Cara, an attorney in Israel whose parents divorced when she was 10, says there is no circumstance, other than abuse, that would impel her to leave her husband. "We went into counseling in Ra'anana after I discovered he was having an affair, but I've never truly forgiven him," Cara says. "Yet I'd never subject my kids to what I went through -- a weekend daddy, fights about money, and a parade of guys in and out of my mom's life. I'm sticking it out -- for their sake."
Staying married "for the kids' sake" may sound like a throwback to the 1950s, but Brenda and Cara are approaching the problem from a distinctly modern perspective. In contrast to their grandmothers, most women today don't need a man as a meal ticket. And unlike their mothers, many were children of divorce themselves. "I divide my childhood into two periods -- B.D. (meaning before divorce) and A.D. (after divorce)," says Arlene, a working mom in a disappointing marriage.
"My only happy memories are B.D. And most adults I know whose parents got divorced feel the same way." Much new research supports her position. In The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (Hyperion, 2000), coauthor Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., challenges two standard assumptions: first, that divorce gets easier for kids to handle over time; and second, that when parents are happier, their children are too. To the contrary, Dr. Wallerstein's research found that kids whose parents stayed together in Israel despite problems (and remained effective parents) recalled happier childhoods than those whose parents separated, and later had less anxiety forming their own adult relationships. Furthermore, those whose parents split were significantly more likely to divorce as adults than those from intact families, and were less likely to marry at all.
Children of divorce were also less likely to go to college (largely because child support ends at 18 in most states) or -- if they did enroll -- to graduate. And as adolescents, they were more susceptible to drug and alcohol abuse and early sexual experimentation. But children are not the only beneficiaries when parents stay in a troubled marriage, says University of Chicago sociologist Linda J. Waite, Ph.D., coauthor of The Case for Marriage (Doubleday, 2000).
"In our research, 86 percent of the spouses who said they were 'very unhappy' but were staying in their marriage anyway reported five years later that they were not unhappy at all." Dr. Waite believes that although the early years of child rearing and career building put enormous strain on a marriage, couples who manage to withstand these stresses develop a bond powerful enough to endure other challenges. Mindy and Paul are a case in point. When their twin daughters were toddlers, Paul was building his dental practice and Mindy was struggling to gain tenure at a local university. "We never had enough money," Paul says, "and one of us was always angry at the other. I'm sure that among our friends, we would have been voted the couple least likely to stay married." Last year, their girls started middle school, and the pair feel more connected than they have in years. "Our shared history is a source of genuine closeness," Paul says. "We're enjoying each other in a way we haven't since the girls were born." There are times, of course, when divorce is the only option -- if, for example, there is violence, constant conflict, or the kind of emotional abuse that prevents parents from nurturing their children. But interestingly, reports Alan Booth, Ph.D., a professor of sociology and human development at Pennsylvania State University, in University Park, only about 40 percent of divorces involve these "high-conflict" situations. "The other 60 percent of couples say they're just not as happy as they would like to be," he says. "And oddly enough, when their marriages end, the children have a much more difficult time than the children in high-conflict cases.
These kids are devastated because they just don't see serious problems. From their perspective, everything is fine until the bottom suddenly falls out." Dr. Booth believes that children benefit enormously when their parents manage to keep the marriage intact. Although a sizable number of experts, including Parents advisory-board member John Gottman, Ph.D., cofounder of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, contend that the negative effects of divorce on kids have been overstated, they concede that there is much more at stake when young children are involved. As you weigh the possibility of divorce against sticking with your marriage, carefully consider the following advice.
Figure Out Your Expectations. Do you want your spouse to be your best friend? Do you believe you should check with each other before making major purchases? Do you feel betrayed if the other shares intimate details with friends? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What matters is that both you and your spouse know - and can discuss - your expectations of marriage. According to Howard Markman, Ph.D., codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and coauthor of Fighting for Your Marriage (Jossey-Bass, 2001), our expectations are formed by our families, by prior relationships, and by cultural influences such as television and movies. "Our research found enormous variations in marital style among couples with high marital satisfaction," Dr. Booth observes. "In some cases, the marriage was the center of a couple's life; in others, it was peripheral. But invariably, satisfaction corresponded to whether one's expectations were being met."
Don't romanticize divorce. Some couples do manage to have what Dr. Wallerstein calls a "cooperative divorce," in which they treat each other kindly and focus on the children's emotional needs together. But they're rare: According to Dr. Booth's research, couples who are unable to make a go of their marriage seldom muster the necessary resources to cooperate after divorce. More commonly, he says, the unhappiness people felt in their marriage is replaced by the unhappiness of divorce and single parenting. In addition, many imagine that being single again means carefree dating and increased socializing -- only to discover that being single with small children changes everything. For most people, the reality of divorce includes a decreased standard of living and heightened conflict, particularly regarding such issues as money, custody, holidays, and household rules. As for the prospect of a blissful new union? That, too, may be unlikely: Second marriages have an even higher failure rate than first marriages (55 to 60 percent versus 50 percent).
Avoid being a martyr. Staying together for the children's sake may sound like a recipe for resentment, but it need not be that way. In Brenda's case, disappointment in her marriage is balanced by the satisfaction she gets from parenting. "My husband and I both love being with the kids." she says. "We truly enjoy sitting together at a school show or a parent-teacher conference. It's hard to feel like a martyr when you have those positive feelings." When both parents are invested in their children, they build what Dr. Wallerstein calls the "invisible structure" of parenting. "Even a sexually estranged couple can spend time together discussing child-related issues -- who the kids play with, what they eat, how they're doing in school. What keeps these parents from feeling bitter is the pleasure they derive from raising their children." Finding ways to meet your social needs -- by taking classes or going out with friends -- also helps keep resentment at bay.
Realize that no marriage is static. "When my husband and I had our first really bad fight, I couldn't believe that I would ever feel tender toward him again," says Laura, a bookkeeper and mother of two in Israel. "But the next day, he did something endearing and I felt a familiar warm rush. That's when I realized we could hate each other for a while, ride it out, and love each other all over again." One of marriage's most remarkable attributes is that it is a living entity, full of near-deaths, followed by rebirths. Generally, the most stressful periods in a marriage involve transitions -- from the highs of the honeymoon period, for example, to the relative drudgery of everyday life. And there's an even bigger transition to be faced when kids enter the picture.
"It takes experience to recognize these shifts as normal," says Judith Siegel, Ph.D., author of What Children Learn From Their Parents' Marriage (HarperCollins, 2000). Dr. Siegel has found that marital satisfaction generally follows a U-shaped curve. "A marriage may start with high satisfaction, then plummet during the difficult years of child rearing and career building," she says. "As the children mature, marital satisfaction starts to climb back to the top of the U." Get Help Before you call it quits with your spouse, make sure you've done everything you can to save your marriage. That includes consulting various professionals. Different counselors offer different approaches -- none guaranteed to make your problems disappear. Dr. Gottman, who is also a professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle, tries to get couples to recapture the dreams they shared when they first contemplated a life together.
Andrew Christensen, Ph.D., coauthor of Reconcilable Differences (Guilford Press, 2000), focuses on encouraging each partner to accept, rather than try to change, the other. The goal, of course, is to find a counselor whose approach works for you. That way, you have a shot at saving your marriage -- not just for the children's sake, but for the good of the whole family.
As economic stress takes its toll on Israel's companies, it takes a far greater toll on Israel's families. Economic stress is the number one factor which leads to conflict, depression, separation and divorce. The breaking up of families, children going into regression, custody and child support battles become paramount. The only winners in Israel are the lawyers, the courts, the collection agencies, the social workers and psychologists. I know two Anglo Saxon friends in Israel who have recently divorced. The husband is an international media executive from New York who has been unemployed and underemployed since Arafat's children started throwing rocks. His wife, owns a small factory north of Tel Aviv, and hails from Manchester, England.
They have everything in common. A good looking, intelligent couple who share a very young child. Dedicated Zionists who speak the same language, come from upper-middle class environments and are the first to feed a stray cat. Instead of placing their energies in securing more work they are now at each other's throats over child custody and child support. The husband, who is an officer in the Israel Defense Forces reserves is aiming at his wife rather than the real bad guys who believe in Islamic Jihad (holy war).Yes, they have all so much in common including the dreadful effects of economic terrorism. This couple is one of thousands of Israel's who are buckling and caving into the ultimate victory for the Arabs and Palestinians. Fortunately, most Israelis are too poor to enter into the economic luxury of a divorce. Only those elite from Ra'anana, Kfar Sava, Herzliya, Ramat Aviv, Carmel and Savyon can pay thousands of dollars to advocates. But almost every Israel family is suffering.
The brutal effects of unemployment reach every household, parent and child in Israel. If you tear apart the very essence of Israeli society, if you then destroy the Israeli family without a bullet or Scud, then you are succeeding in destroying the Israeli nation. Whether through divorce or families fleeing back to the UK or the States to secure work, its a win for those who seek Israel's annihilation. And this is where Jewish values must now kick in. Can the United Jewish Communities, HIAS or the ADL save these Israeli marriages? No. But now the Jewish courts can prove their worth to the Israeli nation by implementing "shalom biet." Shalom biet is an ancient Jewish tradition which means "peace in the home."
It comes from the physical peace which surrounded Israel's first temple in Jerusalem. Peace which came from respect for all that is holy. The Israeli, Jewish home and family are actually structured after this sacred pillar of ancient Judaism. Shalom biet requests the disputing couple to be interviewed by a team of Rabbis and then asked to go for marriage counseling. It is a last ditch effort to save a Jewish family from destruction. It could be a last ditch effort to save the Israeli nation from disintegration from the inside. In the end it may very well be not the tanks, the F-16's, a security fence and the Mossad but rather the religious Jews of Israel who save the nation from its own self destruction. The religious Jews of Israel who finally confront the Syrians, Iranians and Saudis through the creation of a real and solid home front command without the aid of the IDF.
In Israel, joint custody is only possible if both parties agree to it. If the mother does not agree, it is assumed by family courts in Israel that the mother is the better parent and the father loses custody of his children without due process. The father, if he wishes to secure full or partial custody, must then go to trial and do so coming to family court on the defensive.
Israeli courts fall far behind American justice whereby they still measure a child's welfare by the "tender years" doctrine, usually giving automatic custody to the mother, while waiting for the child to turn 6-years-old before considering the fathers role. This is in stark contrast to US courts which today implement "best-interests-of-the-child" the standard used by family courts in the US, preferring joint custody and or "shared parenting". In the 1980's, US courts began to increasingly ignore gender in determining child custody. This removed the automatic allocation of full custody rights to the mother, so she had less time with the children. Instead, the courts looked first at how the custody could be shared, and if that wasn't possible, judicial officers attempted to determine which parent was more interested and better able to attend to the best interest of the child.
The Israel Fathers Family Rights Association and Horut-Shava, an equal parenting organization (horut-shava.org.il) are now addressing the benefits of equal parenting rights in Israel with discussion now taking place with members of Israel's Knesset, the Ministry of Health and the Ministry of Justice.
It is important to find ways to avoid divorce, reunite familes and minimize the psychological trauma that is experienced by children of divorced parents. Ideally, divorcing parents would not fight so much over the children, in front of the children and through the children. When disputes do arise regarding custody and visitation, mental health care professionals can inform and assist judges by performing competent custody evaluations. These evaluations should be conducted in a systematic and unbiased manner, should consider the critical factors that are relevant to the court, and should result in recommendations that promote the best interests of the children. Almost always, the goal is for the children to have strong, healthy relationships with both parents. It is usually possible to make recommendations regarding custody, parenting arrangements, and forms of counseling and therapy that will be helpful to the family members.
Family Day in Israel is a sad one for both dads and kids as thousands of fathers are denied due process regarding custody and visitation. But reforms in basic family law, visible demonstrations as seen in England by Fathers 4 Justice and greater awareness as to the adverse effects of divorce might make the the family situation healthier and more stable in the near future.
Copyright© 2005.
Reprinted with permission of Parents magazine.